tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 19, 2014 12:36am-1:38am PST
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- christoph waltz from "orange is the new black", actress uzo aduba comedy from greg warren featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everyone! i'm seth meyers.
this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? excellent. that's excellent to hear. you guys, this is, this is pretty big. president obama announced yesterday that he's pardoning 12 convicted felons. twelve convicted felons. political experts are saying the move could have huge implications for your fantasy football teams. [ laughter ] just in time. just in time for the fantasy football playoffs. that is a big deal. some international news, russian president vladimir putin said in a press conference today that it was too early to decide if he will run for re-election in 2018. but he says it is not too early to decide how much he wins by. [ laughter ] that -- you can decide that right now. [ applause ] at the same press conference, at the very same press conference, putin said that he doesn't see his children as often as he
would like. said his kids, ah, we're good. [ laughter ] we're at a very comfortable level of how much we're seeing you. it's very hard to date for us. i'd love to meet your dad, who is he? vladimir putin. i don't think i -- [ laughter ] i don't think we can continue this relationship. i love this news. today, blackberry launched its newest phone called the blackberry classic, which resembles -- yeah, great news, it resembles the original model of the phone. not their phones. the phone. [ laughter ] good afternoon? margaret! how are the kids, margaret? oh, that's wonderful. could you connect me to klondike 5-4768? of course, is that the new blackberry you're calling from? i am, it's wonderful. and it's so portable. [ laughter ]
some sad news. i apologize. i always hate sharing sad news. but kris and bruce jenner's divorce was made official today. [ audience aws ] and they only asked that the media allow them to handle this family matter publicly. [ laughter ] kris and bruce jenner's divorce is now final but his eyelids are still going through a trial separation. [ laughter ] still going through a trial separation. this is kind of cool. cuban cigars are now legal to import to the u.s. after president obama's announcement on the normalization of relations with cuba. said wall street bankers, "oh, look at all these cigars that just arrived! it's so odd they're here, they just got here!" this is great. today amazon prime launched its
new service called prime now, which allows customers in manhattan to buy daily essentials and have them delivered within an hour. so that gives you one full hour to figure out how you're going to answer the door when they arrive without getting up from the toilet. [ laughter ] hello! are you here with my essentials? [ laughter ] my daily -- let yourself in! now, if you could roll them towards the door and let yourself out. thank you, amazon. [ laughter ] hello, amazon? it's an emergency. yes. [ cheers and applause ] amazon. listen to this. my arm's a little tired, i've done that twice. no wonder people from the greatest generation were so much stronger than we are. all the calls. listen to this. an olive oil bar, an olive oil
bar has opened in brooklyn, new york, which offers more than 40 different kinds of olive oil. if you'd like to know more, wait until your girlfriend drags you there. [ light laughter ] and finally, a man in wyoming is recovering after his dog stepped on a loaded rifle and shot him. mean while, the dog is going back to the drawing board. ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? good to see you. we have our first annual holiday party tonight, i hope i'm going to see you all there. great, i'm very excited for that. fred, it's always very exciting to have you here. you know we're going to take our holiday break soon and that makes me so sad, because that means i won't see you.
and i love seeing you every day because i feel as though i learn a new thing about you every day. and the only thing that troubles me is i sometimes feel like with the new things you share with me, people at home might think you're making it up off the top of your head. um -- you know, i know that you wouldn't do that, you have no reason to do that, you're my friend, why would you lie to me? and -- you know, 'twas the night before christmas is such a classic poem. and i heard that you also have a christmas poem that you read every year the night before christmas. i know it doesn't rhyme. i know it sometimes does. [ laughter ] but -- i don't know, i was wondering, 'cause i hear it's really long, but i was wondering if you could just share any part of it with us now. because i think i would love to have -- i personally would love to have a new poem in my christmas tradition. >> fred: sure. 'twas two years after christmas and all through the lawns, many mice were running up and down the streets. [ laughter ]
fighting with squirrels. but oh the squirrels couldn't fight as hard as they did and the mice soon were bossing them around. there were many presents. but the presents went ignored for they were in the alley behind the house and no one could find them. then, the wise fox appeared and said, "why is all this going on?" and the elves looked upon the fox and said, "why, we don't recognize your fancy clothing." we'll just keep going. so the squirrels went on their merry way to the next street and said, "you know something? the holidays are a time for all of us to look back and forget what went on and just keep going. we like all of you and we like you too." "okay," said the fox. [ laughter ] >> seth: wow. i've got to be honest, fred, that's great, first of all. [ cheers and applause ] >> fred: thank you. thank you very much.
>> seth: definitely -- definitely a couple times there where i didn't know who was talking to who. [ laughter ] i would say just the start is maybe a little confusing. because two years after christmas, of course, would be christmas. >> fred: right. put it's the two years after that christmas. so every year that poem changes because it's two years from the christmas before and then that keeps going. >> seth: oh, i see. every year you write a prediction of what christmas will be like in two years? >> fred: yes, and it's all animal related. [ laughter ] >> seth: i picked up on that. >> fred: yeah. >> seth: we have squirrels, mice and a fox in that one? >> fred: yes, a wise fox. >> seth: a wise fox. i'm sorry, it's called -- what do you call it? >> fred: "'twas two years after christmas." [ laughter ] >> seth: thank you so much, fred, and happy holidays to you. [ cheers and applause ] >> fred: thank you, thank you. >> seth: i'm a big -- i'm a big fan of fred's. i'm an evener bigger fan of one of our special guests tonight. fresmond hildegard is in the house tonight. [ cheers and applause ]
one of the loveliest ladies i've ever laid eyes on. i'm so happy you're here, thank you for being here. it's been too long, welcome. well, when hildegard's here it goes without saying we've got an amazing show for you tonight. two-time academy award winner cristoph waltz is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] lovely gentleman, cristoph waltz. also stopping by, one of the stars of "orange is the new black," uzo aduba. [ cheers and applause ] lovely and talented uzo aduba. and we'll have some stand-up comedy from the very funny greg warren, a very funny man. [ cheers and applause ] now as many of you know, yesterday sony pictures canceled the release of the upcoming film "the interview" following a cyber attack that was found to have links to north korea. many critics have said that by pulling the movie, sony and other studios are kowtowing to the demands of terrorists at the expense of free speech and i'm inclined to agree with them in a
segment we're calling "bring it on." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] hey, hackers! you're probably feeling pretty good about yourself right now. fox and paramount both canceled projects that could potentially offend north korean interests. and after you hacked sony, they caved in to your demands and pulled "the interview" from theaters. well we here at nbc would love to see you try that with us. [ light laughter ] go ahead. hack into our e-mail servers. publish our internal correspondence. you know what? go ahead and hack into my personal e-mail. that's right. [ laughter ] read my e-mail. i have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. but -- hey, hackers. good luck figuring out my password. look, i've been working at nbc for over 13 years. and during that time, i've learned one thing. exercising free speech is one of the most precious rights we have
as a society. yesterday it was revealed that north korea's likely behind the attacks, well guess what, i'm not afraid of a totalitarian regime. i'm not afraid of you at all. [ laughter ] also, north korea, you recently accused the u.s. of having the gravest human rights violations in the world, which begs the question, do you need a mirror? because judging by kim jong-un's haircut, he hasn't seen a mirror in years. the bottom line is, nbc has a voice and that voice will never be silenced. in fact, if north korea had threatened nbc, i would have said what i always say. if you have a problem with me, fight me man to man. go ahead. once again, try and hack my e-mail. go to our website. and let's see what damage you can really do. [ cheers and applause ] that was "bring it on." we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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cool hair ah! haha priceless. ♪ everybody let's go! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. so last night i was walking home and i thought i saw a woman struggling to carry home her christmas tree, so i went over to help. and it turns out it was just a super drunk girl making out with a regular pine tree.
turns out it was one of my favorite people in the world. i was so excited and i thought i'd have her on the show to talk about the holidays. so please welcome heiress to the warbucks fortune and new york party girl, grownup annie. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hi, annie. i love how festive you look. >> thanks, seth. it's mistletoe. >> seth: oh, well then i don't like it as much anymore. >> well, i love the holidays, seth. i celebrate all of them. christmas and the jewish one. >> seth: you mean -- you mean hanukkah? >> no. black friday. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, no. that's not -- it's -- never mind. so grownup annie, what are you doing to celebrate the holidays? >> well, normally i would let some guy slide down my chimney, you know what i mean? >> seth: yeah.
>> you know, do a little pra-ra-pa-pum-pum. unwrap the presents under my tree. stuff the stockings. after i do the nutcracker, he'll put his partridge in my pear tree. >> seth: oh, boy. [ laughter ] did you use every sex metaphor you can think of? >> metaphor? >> seth: oh, annie. >> you can't forget new year's eve. that's my favorite. you get drunk, you kiss a bunch of dudes and a couple girls. then you pass out, and then two days later you wake up, it's new year's eve! [ cheers ] >> seth: wow, you really get in the holiday spirit. >> yeah, usually. but not this year, seth. >> seth: oh, no. grownup annie, why is that? >> well, as you might have heard, they came out with a new movie about my life. >> seth: oh, yeah, the new "annie" movie. you're not happy about that? >> i'm not starring in it. >> seth: oh, grownup annie, i don't want to be mean but aren't you a little old to play the child version of yourself? >> i mean, how can they not let me audition when this dress
still fits. >> seth: oh, that's the same dress? >> of course! you didn't think this was an adult dress, did you? i mean, it barely goes past my manger full of hay. [ laughter ] i'm just kidding, seth. there's no more hay. >> seth: okay. [ laughter and applause ] >> the hay bailed. >> seth: the hay bailed, oh boy. could i ask you a question? >> no, seth, i won't sleep with you. wink. [ laughter ] >> seth: you didn't wink. >> i wasn't winking with my eye. >> seth: oh, annie. [ audience ohs ] oh. >> i just winked again. >> seth: stop winking. >> wink. >> seth: stop it. >> wink. >> seth: annie. annie. you said you celebrate christmas. i was going to ask, are you very religious? >> i think it's a nice story, but i don't really believe it. like, if an angel whispered in
my ear, "you're pregnant, it's god's baby." i'd be like, "which one was god? was he that guy who works at the bodega who let his cat watch?" then i feel like, "wait, no. that was angel." >> seth: that was angel. >> that one was angel. >> seth: so, grownup annie, i've got to say, i hope you're going to get it together. because with all these stories i continue to be disappointed with you. >> oh, well, i've dealt with disappointment before. you know, i'll never forget what bill cosby said to me. [ audience groans ] >> seth: what did he say to you? >> "you're not my type." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a good thing. that's a good thing. don't be sad about that. >> hey, more good news. >> seth: oh, more good news! >> i just started a new business. >> seth: a new business, that's great! what is it? >> well, this time of year can be awfully lonely for single
people, so i created a new dating app called ho-ho-ho. >> seth: all right, and what is that? >> well, it's like tinder except you pay the women. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: so you started a prostitution ring? >> no! i started a prostitution app. >> seth: that is the same thing. >> no, it's different. >> seth: it is the same thing. >> different. >> seth: grownup annie, you are a mess. >> don't be sad, seth! >> seth: i'm not sad. >> you should be. >> seth: i'm not. >> let's get you in the christmas spirit by singing a song. how about "carol of the bells"? it's one of my favorites. >> seth: yeah, okay, i'll sing that. ♪ hark how the bells sweet silver bells all seem to say ♪ >> i have stds! >> seth: no. oh, annie. >> no, we all have them! >> seth: i don't! >> yes, you do. i'm your secret santa. >> seth: no. i don't want them. i don't want that. grownup annie, everyone. we'll be right back with christoph waltz! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ julia: who's ready for their favorite present
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. our first guest tonight is a two time academy award-winning actor. he's just earned a golden globe nomination for his latest role in the new tim burton film "big eyes." it opens in theaters on christmas day. let's take a look. >> five grand we made $5,000. and it wasn't even for you of your good ones. >> don't you mean one of your good ones? >> no, no, no. alright, ours. one of our good ones. >> what about honesty? >> the painting says "keane." i'm a keane, you're a keane. from now on, we're one in the same. >> seth: please welcome cristoph waltz! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for inviting me. hi, fred. lovely to see you. >> seth: isn't it nice to have fred here? so congratulations on this movie, it's wonderful. >> thank you. >> seth: it's such a fascinating story and it's such a fascinating character. you play this artist, walter keane, who takes credit for his wife's paintings. >> that's an art in itself, yeah. >> seth: and it must be a fun -- it must have been a fun part to play. >> it's -- it was fabulous. it was -- playing with amy is fabulous anyway. and then under the direction of tim burton, who keeps a close eye on everything and doesn't say too much, fantastic. >> seth: do you like a director that doesn't say too much? >> no, i like a director who has a, you know, a -- a sort of a perspective like a laser beam. >> seth: right. >> and he does. >> seth: as opposed to someone who says, whatever you want. >> yeah, "have fun," you know? that's not fun.
like kids, you know. >> seth: right. >> we don't want to play what we play, we want to apply ourselves. >> seth: this is -- you play a character who, because of the deception involved, both with the public and with your wife, you sort of get to play two different parts in the film which is really interesting to me. like who he's presenting to the world and who he's hiding from the world. >> well, i mean, we all do all the time. >> seth: no this is me all the time. [ light laughter ] >> look at him over there with his guitar. last time i've seen him he was totally different. >> seth: yeah, that's right, he's changed, fred changes all the time, you can't trust fred. >> there you go. god knows, yeah. >> seth: you were not -- you were not a fan of margaret keane's paintings. >> that was -- that was the most touching, heart-warming, and lovely, lovely experience i had with her personally. on monday after the premiere i talked to her. and she was very excited. she's an old lady.
and she said, "i know you don't like my paintings." you know, then i didn't want to say, "well, i do, of course i do, i just pretended." she said, "you were so much like walter." and i get uncomfortable with that. i said, "oh, really?" "so much like walter, down to the fact of dissing my paintings." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's excellent. >> it really is. >> seth: any time -- once a woman hits a certain age it's really fun to hear her say "dissing." it's a real nice -- >> she did say "diss." >> seth: that's great. you -- congratulations on this. not just a golden globe nomination, but you got your own star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> yes. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and this is very nice. samuel l. jackson and quentin tarantino stopped by to help you celebrate, i like this. it looks like you guys are playing twister, which i like. >> we were dipping our toes.
>> seth: you were dipping your toes in your star. what is the ceremony itself like when you get a star? >> it -- it's fantastic. it's a little old fashioned. the most -- the wildest thing about it really is tom labonge. >> seth: okay. >> tom labonge is a hollywood city councilor who comes with a loaf of bread. >> seth: uh-huh. they've always have done this? >> i think he's the last surviving surrealist in hollywood. >> seth: right. >> he literally comes with a loaf of bread. this is the loaf of bread that the monastery just below the hollywood sign, they baked this, the nuns. and you're stuck with this loaf of bread. [ laughter ] >> seth: do you have to take a picture with the loaf of bread? >> oh, certainly. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: i think you'll find out later that it was supposed to be a trophy and he forgot. and he thought what can i get at the last minute? i'll just make up a story that it's a loaf of bread. >> pretty good story. >> seth: did you bring the loaf of bread home? >> certainly, certainly. >> seth: did you eat the loaf of bread? >> it's still sitting there. >> seth: yeah. >> i wanted to keep it. [ laughter ]
>> seth: to always have that loaf of bread. >> yeah, it's turning green slowly. it's lovely. >> seth: the older the bread gets the younger you get, it's one of those things. >> thank you, thank you. >> seth: you're in the new bond film which is of course so exciting for everyone. that is a movie with a very excited fan base. and there's a lot of rumors out because of who you're playing. you can't really speak of it, can you? >> i can. >> seth: you can? >> i can say everything. >> seth: so who are you playing? >> the -- i know the name. i don't even know that much. >> seth: oh, gotcha. >> i know the name. franz oberhauser. >> seth: franz oberhauser. so, that's all you know. >> that's plenty. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a lot, yeah. >> i mean, for the moment. >> seth: for the moment. >> it's a work in progress, we'll see. you know, it's wonderful. it really is wonderful? >> seth: yeah. it must be so thrilling to step into something that's been going on so long like that. >> i don't know about step in, but i kind of, you know, circle the thing -- >> seth: you're really good at stepping in, look at this picture.
that's a good stepper. you also -- you did -- you were in "horrible bosses 2," another franchise you stepped into, much like the bond franchise. [ laughter ] comedy, was that something you did before you came to the states? was that something you did in your career in europe? >> no, i -- i consider life a comedy. an absurdity. and but the little observation, you kind of catch on to it. and it's not something that i'm specialized in. i try to avoid specialization. >> seth: yes. >> but it's certainly something that i am, you know, would like to keep going as something that is dear to my heart. >> seth: well, the last time i saw you was here on this very floor doing "snl" and you were just fantastic. >> oh, thank you. >> seth: and that was, i think for all of us, we were so excited to see -- >> it was a trip. that thing was one of the stressiest weeks in my life.
>> seth: yeah. >> and start on monday night with nothing, and actually do a full show, right, fred, remember? [ light laughter ] a full show live on tv on saturday? i -- around wednesday, thursday, i said, they'll never pull it off. this will be the one where it all caves in. and never again. >> seth: i remember every time you showed up you had your luggage ready. >> yeah. >> seth: when did you know, because it was such a good show, when were you aware, oh, this is going real well? when it was over or was it during air? >> saturday around 1:00 in the morning. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. that's the best time to realize that. well, it's so lovely to see you again, congratulations on the film and everything. >> thank you. >> seth: cristoph waltz, everybody! check out "big eyes" in theaters christmas day. we'll be right back with uzo aduba. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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seasons one and two are available on netflix now. please welcome uzo aduba. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are you? >> i am great. >> seth: i'm so happy you're here. >> i am happy i'm here. >> seth: this is such an exciting week for you. you got nominated for both a sag award and then a golden globe award. [ cheers and applause ] so great. not having been nominated for those things, i have to ask, how do you find out? like, how did you find out about the globes? >> i found out about the globes -- i was sleeping. i'm, like, knocked out, like dead asleep. and then my phone rang, and my best friend called me and was like, "congratulations!" i was like, "okay, this is so amazing." i couldn't believe it. i have to call everybody. i have to call my family. i have to call my mom. i called my mom immediately. i was blown away.
i was just like, "mommy!" my family's from nigeria, so -- >> seth: that's right. "mommy" is a term in nigeria that means like mother or mom. [ laughter ] >> mom. doesn't quite translate. i was like, "mommy!" i was like, "guess what?" and she's like, "what, my dear?" and i was like, "i got nominated for a golden globe." and she says, "wow, good job! all right, i have to go and do my zumba." [ laughter ] >> seth: and that was it? >> that was it. >> seth: she had to go straight so zumba. >> straight to zumba. she had a gig. >> seth: maybe it was just she had so much energy after hearing your news, she just had to work it out in zumba class. >> step, step, step. yeah, she needed it. >> seth: this is a -- i've heard this about you, that you almost quit acting right before you got this great role. is this true? >> it's absolutely true. the day. the actual day that i got the part, i had quit acting. i had just been trying to do,
you know -- i'd been doing theater and was very grateful for it. but i was now trying to do theater. and i just kept getting "no, no, thank you, no." and i was like, "okay, maybe this isn't for me." i just thought, okay. my parents when i was little, they wanted me to be a lawyer. and i was like, "if you can make a way for me to be a lawyer, i will go. let me just go and do that." so i got home. i was like, "okay, we're done." i'm going to order some sushi, order some wine, have a little celebration. you know, get it in. then, like an hour later i got the phone call from my representation. they said, "we have great news for you." i said, "okay." "like, remember that show you auditioned for awhile ago, 'orange is the new black'?" i was like, "yeah." and they're like, "that part you auditioned for -- " i auditioned for a different part. they were like, "you didn't get it." [ laughter ] i was like, "okay." but they'd like to offer you another part. and i was like, "what's the other part?" and they're like, "crazy eyes." and i was like, "say it again? what was that? okay, sure." >> seth: it's so great. now it's hard to imagine anyone
else playing that part, which is like the highest compliment i think you can pay when someone just nails a part like that. and your mother -- i know you just mentioned her -- she sort of told you to stick with acting. she was an inspiration on that way. >> oh my gosh. yes. my mom is my biggest, hugest, like number one fan. like i just loved her support my entire life. when i first moved to new york, you know, she just dropped me off at the train station. i'm from boston, and turned off the car. go boston. i heard a "whoo." [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> seth: they're very quiet here, because it's new york. like, "whoo." [ laughter ] >> exactly. and she turned off the car, and she just said to me -- she's like, "uzo, just work hard. all i ask of you is to work hard." she like, "i've never heard of nothing coming from hard work." she's like, "i don't know what will come. i don't know when it will come, but something will come. okay, now get out of my car because i have some zumba. i have my zumba to do."
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: always off to zumba. >> exactly. she has a schedule. >> seth: now, you wanted to change your name when you were young? you weren't loving uzo when you were young. >> yeah. well, my full name is uzoamaka, which can be a mouthful for a kindergartener. >> seth: in boston it's like uzoamaka. >> exactly! [ with boston accent ] >> seth: hey, uzoamaka. we're going to fenway park. you want to come? where's uzoamaka at? that's a tough one. you don't want that. >> at all. >> seth: so what did you want to be? >> i wanted to be called zoe. so i came home one day, and i was like, "mommy, can you call me zoe?" and she was cooking. >> seth: that -- i could see why. it's too close to "zumba." [ laughter ] >> so i was like, "mommy, can you call me zoe?" and she was cooking, and she just stopped. and she looked at me, and she was like, "why?" and i said, "'cause no one can
say uzoamaka." and she just -- without skipping a beat, she was like, "if they can learn to say tchaikovsky and dostoyevsky and michelangelo, then they can learn to say uzoamaka." and she went right back to cooking. [ cheers and applause ] did not stop. >> seth: you did -- it seems like it would be very hard to stump your mom, but you kind of found out a way because you took her to the white house. >> yes, i did! >> seth: here's a picture of you guys going to the white house. [ audience aws ] did she meet the president? >> she did. >> seth: wow. and how did she do with the president? >> well, my mom -- i mean, you're right. she always has like a thousand things to say. whether it's the zumba, or a the no name change, she's got something to say. and we went, and i was so excited. i mean, i could not believe that it was happening. i was like, "oh, my gosh, we're at the white house. this is amazing. mom, okay, here we go." and like the president and first lady, they were just so gracious and so amazing. and i was saying, you know, "nice to meet you, mr. president." he's like, "great to meet you too." and i was like, "okay, this is my mom." he's like, "hello, mrs. aduba.
nice to meet you." and i was like, "please don't say too much." [ laughter ] he was like, "how are you?" and she was like, "fine." that's all she had to say. like, nothing. she didn't say anything else. that was it. "fine." i was like, you don't have no words of -- okay. >> seth: you finally stumped her. i'm assuming, because you play such an iconic part, you film here in new york, you're walking around new york, do people call you out? do people know you from the show now? >> oh, yes. and they know -- they will just yell "crazy eyes." they'll be like either, "hey, crazy eyes! yeah, you, crazy eyes!" you know, whatever. or like -- >> seth: that's so crazy for people who don't watch the show, to watch people just screaming crazy eyes at someone. i feel i'd be like, "hey, dude, watch what you're saying, man!" >> exactly, exactly. well, most people are always like -- george, that's quite an unusual name, crazy eyes. i've never heard somebody -- we should name our kids -- >> seth: and you ran the marathon this year or last year? >> last year.
>> seth: so you ran a marathon where people recognized you as crazy eyes during the race. >> yes, absolutely. i'd be running the race, minding my own business, just going, going, going. and then, all of a sudden you just hear somebody be like, "you're killing it, crazy eyes." and i was like -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: well, they weren't wrong. you are killing it. and it's just so lovely to meet you. it's so lovely to have you here. thank you so much for being here. >> oh, my gosh, thank you for having me. >> seth: uzo aduba, everybody! uzoamaka? >> uzoamaka. >> seth: uzoamaka. check out "orange is the new black" on netflix. we'll be right back with standup with greg warren. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ julia: who's ready for their favorite present from their favorite aunt? boy: is she here? julia: yeah. i am. girl: mom says you give fancy gifts because you don't have a boyfriend.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. thank you. thank you. it's -- it's good to be here. i -- i should probably start by telling you guys i'm 46. pretty much the right response for that age, that's right. [ laughter ] it's an unimpressive age. it is. it's an age where if you wanted to do something in life, you had better have started awhile ago. [ laughter ] and i didn't. i didn't. i didn't get married. that's a big one. my friends are all married. one of them called me up, he goes, "hey, man." you want to hear something pathetic?" i was like, "yeah, sure." he goes, right now i'm sitting on the couch with my wife watching a movie on lifetime for women television. i was like, "that's pathetic." i'm watching the same movie. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
i got to face the facts. if i want to make a commitment to someone, i need to do it now. because pretty soon, it's not going to be that big of a commitment. greg, you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife for -- 10, 12 years tops? [ laughter ] with a history of diabetes in your family, we could be looking at seven. everybody's got advice too. my buddy was like, "hey, man. why don't you just meet some young chick and be her sugar daddy?" i don't have any sugar. [ laughter ] like, i don't have any splenda to be honest with you. i couldn't are a splenda daddy. i couldn't. i get this question a lot. greg, you're 46, don't you want to have a family someday? you've got to understand, man, i come from a family.
so -- no. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i mean -- i'm -- i'm worried it's too late, to be honest with you. i'm worried if i start a family at my age they're going to turn out like one of my high school term papers. clearly, mr. warren, you waited until the last minute to throw this together. [ laughter ] i don't know, i don't know if i'm want to have kids. i mean, i've seen them. i'm not that impressed. my friends are like, "greg, when they're your kids it's different." i would imagine it's worse. my buddy has a 22-year-old daughter. and she's attractive. she is. like he showed me a picture of her, he goes, "hey what do you think of that?" i'm like, "uh, i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say." is this a sting operation? that is a tricky situation, it
is. i don't know what you do. i mean, i figured it out after a while. here's what you say. you say, "wow, she's a real heartbreaker." they love it. "yeah, she'll break your heart, she's a heartbreaker." heartbreaker, she'll break your heart, yeah, yeah, yeah. like it's a compliment. what am i really saying, your daughter is going to ruin some kid's life someday. that's how we raised her, if she's a life ruiner, she'll ruin your life. her mother was a life ruiner, actually. i don't know if i should have a kid. i mean, i know nothing. i'm sure of nothing. after 46 years, here is the one thing i can say in the world with absolute certainty. if you go to the restaurant and the waitress pronounces the "l" in salmon, it's not going to be a good meal. [ laughter ] it's not, it's not, it's not. how would you like your sal-mon prepared? not here, i can assure you of that. [ laughter ] let me have a look at the tilapia.
i am -- i'm looking forward to the holidays. i'm going home to see my family. i have two brothers. my brother matt is four years younger than me. my brother devin is 18 years younger than me. yeah, i know, i know, yeah. every year for christmas the three of us go in together on one gift for my dad. like we try to get him something big. devin, the young one, doesn't always contribute his fair share. like he gets his name on the card. he gets equal billing. but he doesn't chip in what he's supposed to. same thing this year. we got my dad an ipad. he's like, "yeah, man. i wasn't really prepared to spend that kind of money, you guys. i was thinking something a little bit --" you know, devin, do whatever you want. from now on we're just going to put a pie chart on top of the gift, okay?" each slice of the pie represents how much that brother loves his father. you're at 4%. merry christmas. thanks a lot, you guys. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ]
thank you. >> seth: greg warren, everyone! great job. check out gregwarrencomedy.com for tour dates. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] looking for one of these? yoplait. smooth, creamy, and craved by the whole family. 2 breakfast croissants for just $4 - both made with a freshly cracked egg it's cheaper to eat at my place. i've got - and melting cheese. try supreme or sausage. hey, you can't make a commercial in my restaurant!
♪ >> carson: hey guys, welcome to "last call." carson daly here, coming to you from the world famous kroq studios in los angeles. tonight, speaking of music, coves are going to perform from the el rey. we've got standup comic andrew orvedahl taking the ice house stage. but first, jack o'connell's the young actor starring in the new film directed by angelina jolie, and co-written by the coen brothers. pretty fine company to keep. it's called "unbroken," and for more, take a look at tonight's "last call" spotlight. ♪ >> australian summer trying to pretend to be in a japanese winter.